Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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