i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
