i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
