She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
