It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
4 words: hood of his car
i love accidental penises.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
