Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
