there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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