If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
