so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
