I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
