He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
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Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
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Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize