dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
