yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
