i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
