Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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