u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Randomize
