last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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