if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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