Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
