Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize