those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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