We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
