we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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