My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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