Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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