I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
