im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
