Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
