youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
