Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
