Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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