I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize