Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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