you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
