I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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