and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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