My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
where are my eyebrows?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
