I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
