So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
