There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
