You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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