My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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