my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
