You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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