1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
