even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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