I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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