I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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