also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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