It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
