Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My bed smells like the plague
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
