When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
