meet me or not, i'm out of control
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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