Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
