I just threw up on my dentist
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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