My first STD was from a foam party
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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