I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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