i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
