I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
