I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
