apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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