I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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